My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
