No stitches, just platelets and will power
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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