you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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