I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ketchup is God's man juice
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
