I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
