remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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