You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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