just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
