it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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