Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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