i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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