This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
