at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
