I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just threw up on my dentist
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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