Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
