I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
