Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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