she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
