I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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