Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
