Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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