You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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