he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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