whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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