my mouth tastes like poor choices
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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