You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize