Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
