i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
