Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize