i love accidental penises.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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