Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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