i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
