there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
