you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
