Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
