You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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