They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
