I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
