Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
