I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
