dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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