i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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