He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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