My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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