Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
