I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
