Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
