im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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