I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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