he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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