Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
