Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
