i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
