Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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