"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
