pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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