I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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