My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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