so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
