If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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