6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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