You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize