Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
