I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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