my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Michael Bay diarrhea
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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