it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize