The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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