you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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