I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
